They are widely known and have household names. Their photos grace gossip websites and magazines. Celebrity news services write about their comings and goings, who they’re dating, and what they’re up to.
But here’s the head scratcher: They have unremarkable talent, are not particularly interesting people, and in many cases not even that attractive.
There’s only one explanation for their fame: They sold their souls to the devil.
I have no proof for this claim unfortunately. Just as I have no proof that the devil exists.
But after thinking about this long and hard, there can be no other explanation. These average Joes and Janes overcame the knocks against them – their commonplace skills and looks – to jump to the head of the line and become rich and famous.
Under the terms of their deals with the Dark Prince, they get to enjoy their wealth and renown until their deaths. Then they’ll burn in the flames of hell for all eternity.
After an exhaustive analysis, here are 10 celebrities I believe must have signed away their souls for the spotlight:
1. Jay-Z – A so-so rapper with a big attitude. He thinks he’s “the new Sinatra.” Butt ugly, he managed somehow to get one of the world’s most beautiful women, Beyonce Knowles, to marry him. He’s a hip hop mogul with an uncanny lucky streak, such as his golden touch for finding talented young singers to work with. Help from Old Scratch? I think so.
2. John Travolta – Despite his mostly terrible choice of film roles and iffy acting skills, his career just won’t die. With all the actors out there hoping for their big break, Travolta just keeps getting work. When his film career dies from mismanagement every so often, someone inevitably gives him a comeback role. He’s had like five or six comebacks in his career. Is the devil his wingman? You bet.
3. Ashton Kutcher – Good looking, charming guy, but what else? He’s no actor. He seems to play himself in every role. He comes across as a dopey, uneducated hick. With his marriage to sexy Demi Moore and his continued film and TV work, Kutcher is living a charmed life. An assist from the Lord of Darkness? Oh, yeah.
4. Britney Spears – Satan certainly must appreciate her decadent, live-for-now lifestyle. It’s also a tip-off that she’s only got a few more years until the devil owns her soul. Spears is just an average singer and dancer. She doesn’t write her own music. (Even though she has some co-writing credits, they’re always with prolific songwriters.) So why does she have a career when other hard-working, more talented singer-performers do not? I dunno, maybe … Satan! (Shout out to Dana Carvey’s Church Lady on that one.)
5. David Caruso – Supposed actor best known for his cheesy dialogue delivery and sunglass-wearing on hit TV show “CSI: Miami.” Caruso somehow managed to survive the career-killing move of leaving a hit show, “NYPD Blue,” early in its second season. But he was given second, third and fourth chances to make a comeback. Is Beelzebub his manager? Count on it.
6. Miley Cyrus – The actress and singer who plays “Hannah Montana” on the Disney Channel can’t act or sing all that well. Her harsh, somewhat annoying voice gets a lot of help from Auto-Tune. So, once again I ask, why out of all the young performers in the world does she get to be popular when her talents are so limited? Lucifer, take a bow.
7. Jennifer Aniston – Aging starlet with limited acting range who keeps getting work top-lining Hollywood movies. She’s nothing to write home about in the looks or talent departments, but there she is on movie posters, TV ads and magazine covers. She can’t carry a movie or TV show on her own, but Hollywood keeps hiring her. Credit goes to: El Diablo.
8. Robin Williams – Manic, wildly unfunny, but popular comedian. In his younger days, he was known as a material-stealing standup. Now he’s making movies where he recycles the same, fast-talking, pop culture-riffing shtick over and over. Is Mephistopheles keeping his career alive? You know the answer.
9. Paris Hilton – Vapid socialite who’s a celebrity gossip press staple. She’s dumb, blonde, rather ugly, has a famous family and has done nothing with her life. Her main claim to fame is a suspiciously leaked sex tape that boosted her profile before the premiere of her reality TV show, “The Simple Life.” She’s certainly enjoying her time on Earth, partying in nightclubs and sleeping around. But the eternal fires of hell await her.
10. Kim Kardashian – Another socialite who gained fame from a suspiciously leaked sex tape. She now has her own reality TV series. Kardashian has done nothing of consequence in her life. But photos of her and write-ups of her activities are everywhere. The devil’s handiwork? Who else?