Here’s a transcript:
Strong: I’m Cecily Strong and here are this year’s top tech stories.You can watch it online here.
The founders of Snapchat last year turned down a $3 billion offer from Facebook and $4 billion offer from Google. It’s a surprising show of integrity from the guys who invented the app that lets you look at pictures of boobs for five seconds.
Miley Cyrus edged out Kim Kardashian for Yahoo’s top search of the year. So, I’m guessing the top search for next year is going to be “how to increase my daughter’s self-esteem.”
The virtual currency Bitcoin rocketed in price and popularity in 2013. So if you prefer to invest in a more stable currency, just stuff your mattress with Monopoly money.
The FCC announced that it’s now taking steps to lift the ban on in-flight cell phone calls – news that’s the best for people that are the worst.
Nick D’Aloisio, a programming whiz who wasn’t even born when Yahoo was founded in 1994, sold his news-reading app Summly to Yahoo in March for a supposed $30 million. And I think I speak for most ladies when I ask, is he 18 yet?
One of 2013’s most popular apps was GymPact, a program that rewards users with money if they meet their fitness goals. But what would really be great is an app that pays you not to post on Facebook that you went to the gym.
It was announced that the popular meme Grumpy Cat is being developed into a feature film. The frontrunner to play the constantly scowling cat, you guessed it, Kristin Stewart.
One of the most popular Tumblr blogs over the past year was Hot Dog Legs, which featured pictures of hot dogs posed like legs. At last, said people with a very particular fetish.
We have some of the top innovators in technology from around the world here today. Here to share his insight is the Rev. Al Sharpton.
Thompson: Hello, Cecily. Yeah, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here either.
Nevertheless, thank you, Marissa Mayer, CEO of Yoo-hoo. Who would have thought that a small chocolate milk company like Yoo-hoo would turn into one of the world’s biggest tech companies?
Strong: It’s great to see you, Al. Are you enjoying CES?
Thompson: Oh, absolutely. When you think the cutting edge of technology, you think Al Sharpton.
Strong: You do?
Thompson: No. Look, Cecily, I would love to be big on the Internet, but it’s not happening. Because I can’t twerk or be a cat who’s had a bad day. It’s amazing what people care about. I’ve been trying to get folks to listen to me for 30 years. Maybe I should have danced around talking nonsense while dressed up as a fox.
Strong: So, Al, why are you in Vegas?
Thompson: Well, I’ve got my own vegan soul food restaurant out here. It’s called Sharpton’s Soy Shack. I’m encouraging all of y’all to try our tofu turkey necks smothered in spinach gravy. Sharpton’s Soy Shack, located right across from the service entrance to Circus Circus.
Strong: Sounds nice. Now, I know you’ve been eating healthy and losing weight.
Thompson: Oh, yeah, I’m very skinny now. I mean, I know I don’t look like it. But it’s just every time I come to Vegas, I gain about 100 pounds in 90 minutes. But, you know, back when I lost the weight, I did lose it using one of the apps.
Strong: Oh, like a fitness tracker.
Thompson: No, Apple Maps. Yeah, I got lost and wandered around the wilderness for days. I almost starved to death.
Strong: I’m glad it eventually worked out.
Thompson: Yeah, so am I. I’m proud of how I look. A couple of months ago, I took a shirtless selfie like Geraldo Rivera. I tried to post it online, but my computer melted.
Strong: So, you’re not really great with technology.
Thompson: No, but I’m glad it’s around. Now you can watch my show “PoliticsNation” on your regular TV and on the littler TV in your computer and on the itty-bitty baby TV inside your phone.
Strong: That’s cute.
Thompson: So, thank you, Marissa Mayer and all the folks at Yoo-hoo, for your help. You all definitely made a better search engine that Goobles did.
Photo: SNL cast members Cecily Strong and Kenan Thompson at the Yahoo keynote at CES. For more photos, check out Zimbio.
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