Thursday, January 29, 2009

That other Super Bowl Sunday football game




We’re just a few days away from Sunday’s big football bowl game.
No, not Super Bowl XLIII pitting the Pittsburgh Steelers against the Arizona Cardinals. I’m talking about Lingerie Bowl VI featuring the Miami Caliente vs. the Tampa Breeze.
The game featuring models wearing frilly undergarments has become alternative programming to the Super Bowl halftime show.
I don’t think anyone expects a real game. It’ll be more like a pickup football game among waitresses at Hooters.
The event is significant because the backers are trying to turn their once-a-year gimmick into a professional sport. As fringe sports go, this one’s way out there.
The Lingerie Football League is scheduled to kick off on Sept. 4 at the Sears Centre Arena in Hoffman Estates, Ill., located northwest of Chicago. The inaugural LFL season will include a 20-week schedule running from Sept. 4 through Jan. 22 with 10 teams. They are the Seattle Mist, Los Angeles Temptation, San Diego Seduction, Phoenix Scorch, Dallas Desire, New England Euphoria, Chicago Bliss, Tampa Breeze, Atlanta Steam and Miami Caliente.
Here’s how LFL officials describe their sport: “Lingerie Football League will feature fast-paced 7-on-7 full-contact tackle football featuring some of the country’s most athletic and beautiful women.”
Unfortunately the LFL is destined to go nowhere. I like sports and pretty women as much as the next guy, but this sports league is ill-conceived.
First of all, it’s not really a sport. Any sport, even a fringe sport, needs to showcase the best of the best. Other fringe sports, even competitive eating and pro video gaming, do that. But the ladies of the LFL are probably not the best female athletes they could find. If the league chose the best athletes, they’d probably end up with a bunch of ugly brutes.
If I was putting together a women’s football league based on skill, I’d find the best smash-nose rugby players. Most of them would be heavier and more muscular than LFL players and not afraid to break a fingernail. I’m not saying there aren’t attractive female rugby players, but to get the best female football players, you’d need to let in some beasts.
The staff at Tech-Media-Tainment has done extensive research into the LFL roster. In other words, I’ve looked at a lot of photos online. And it’s my scientific opinion that the women of the LFL are uniformly smoking hot. I’d be curious to see what their day jobs were. Probably a lot of models, actresses and pharmaceutical sales reps.
Men going to see an LFL game know they’re just there to ogle pretty ladies. But herein lies the next problem. The players are wearing bras and panties, but they’re also loaded up with helmets, face masks, shoulder pads, knee pads and elbow pads. So, in effect, they’re covering up the main attraction.
Let’s review: LFL organizers are expecting men to pay to see a non-sport sport, played by beautiful woman who are all covered up. Maybe we should go back to the days of Jell-O wrestling and foxy boxing. At least those weren’t labeled sports.

People’s exhibit A: Top two photos from Lingerie Football League.
People’s exhibit B: Photos from Flickr of the Brock University women’s rugby team from the 2005-06 season. (Great ball players, I’m sure, but not fashion-model pretty.)

I rest my case.

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